Feeling Empty

I’m not a happy camper right now.

Dieting sucks!

I’m not exactly hungry but I’m not full either.  I am used to being full!  More than full.  I usually eat enough to fill me up and do me for a week judging by the portion sizes this diet company is giving me.

Their portion sizes are right.  I know they are right because, if I eat them slowly (and I do eat them slowly), they satisfy me.  They do not, however, satisfy me for most of the day the way overfilling myself does.  That means I always feel I am on the verge of being really hungry and I hate it!

So I do what I always do when I feel this way.  I go to the fridge or the cupboards.  It is at that point that I am thwarted.  The only food I have is the prepackaged and labeled diet food.  I don’t have to buy any food items so I have made sure my cupboards are bare except for my diet food.

Some of the food is yummy.  Really yummy!  So yummy I get more than one of that particular meal each week.  So yummy I want to eat more than the one I am allowed to have.  I’m always tempted but then I’ll have to go without dinner on some of the other days so I resist.

I always want to polish off the whole days food in one meal but I know I will regret it if I do so I have to use self-restraint and make it last.

Self-restraint sucks!

If it were not for this pain in my thigh I wouldn’t bother!

My discontent is spilling over into other areas of my life too.

I’m getting tired of the online game I have been playing for some months now.

I’m tired of the way they fight and argue.  I’m tired of the way they haggle over money that doesn’t even really exist.  I’m tired of the way they strut and pose and crow and insult and retaliate to insults.  It’s all so petty and they take it all so seriously.

I’m tired of being a small minded person in a small world filled with other small minded people.  We are all so focused on ourselves and that is such a small, insignificant, unimportant thing in the grand scheme of things.

A hundred years from now my life will be as unimportant as it was a hundred years before I was born.  It makes me humble but it also makes me feel restless and discontent.

So I want to eat.

I want to write the novel that will change the world or find true love or spend lots of money and I can’t do any of those things so I want to eat.

I want to go in the Big Brother house for 2008 but I am not even going to apply.  I would just be bored and, most likely, be boring.

Imagine my shock when I saw someone I know had applied!  I’m pretty sure she won’t get in but I couldn’t imagine anything worse than being locked up in a house with her for several hours let alone a few months!

I’d never survive giving up diet coke, cigarettes, food AND being in a closed space with her for more than a couple of hours!

I only want to do it to see myself as others see me.  I’m curious as to whether other people would see me the way I see myself.  How would the producers twist my actions to represent me?  How would I come across?

In the deepest recesses of my mind, however, I suspect it’s just as well I won’t ever find out.

I’m restless and ready for change.  I want to go somewhere, do something, be someone but there’s nowhere to go, nothing to do, and I don’t know how to be anything but what I am.

So I want to eat.

And I can’t.

And it sucks!